Thread and its Origin by Shawn Anto

          I am not able to hush these thoughts

          or hush a jagged smile between shivering lips

          a joke, a chuckle I feed on when I think of you & dad’s best friend

          when I was six years old that urgency swept in—looking back

          fifteen years later, ignorant bliss as smoke through life

          that cliché that whips inside veins

          & is this why you could never look dad in the eyes

          all these years later at every church retreat we went to

          could you see the shallow depths of my mind & your own

          the guilt that sits between your ribs or perhaps the echo

          of ‘playing through the pain’ or hiding from weakness

          laced right there, weaving itself through—

          or what about me? you never taught me how to love someone

          I spiral down, each lesson on how to trust

          I missed each time, time is betrayal

          you: first person to sever these webs

          all else fails those who have learned the fine art of keeping secrets what does my brother
          think now: Tyson all grown up & med-school path forward like you wanted

          what did I do wrong but detach myself from moving this path forward

          sticky thread following me toward relapse release think of me when feeling is gone

          my therapist says I should confront you, how could I contain each angry piece

          that has filled the lonely void—a safer place than cracked walls & empty rooms

          secrets & uprooted issues rising from the trust that rot in this foundation, we call home.

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Shawn Anto is 23 years old from Bakersfield, California. He’s originally from Kerala, India. He currently studies at Cal State Bakersfield looking to receive his B.A. in English & Theatre. His writing has been featured or are forthcoming in The Paragon Press, Edify Fiction, Susan/The Journal, Internet Void, Ink & Voices and Mojave Heart Review.